Words by Ash Kissane

IF you’re a nineties baby you’ll remember particularly well a fake Lesbian duo, T.A.T.U, who brought us a few awful, mildly sapphic tunes before disappearing off the face of the Earth. Characterised by  their school-girl outfits, on-stage make-out seshs, and long lustful stares in the rain, the pair disbanded in 2011 to begin new lives wives and mothers.

In one of the most ridiculous plot twists ever, the duo will take stage at the Winter Olympics Opening Ceremony in Sochi in what could possibly be the most hilarious sporting entertainment ever. Criticism of the Sochi Olympics has been pouring in from all parts of the globe, even major players like Google have stepped into the conversation about Russia’s adopted anti-gay laws “against gay propaganda against minors” and the treatment of the Russian LGBT community. Can we expect some heavy petting on stage like in the past? Surely that would be a violation of everything Russia stands for right now?

It’s an all too familiar story after old mate Macklemore with his chart hit “Same Love” in which he sings about the traumatic time “in the third grade when (he) thought that (he) was gay, ’cause (he) could draw.” (What was he drawing? Giant dicks?) It’s all okay though, he turned out straight – as he underlines throughout the whole song (definitely not gay guys!). Macklemore proved once again it’s A-OK to exploit gay (and black) culture for profit as long as you’re not either of those things. Thank goodness for Olympic organisers it’s been made very clear T.A.T.U’s Lena and Yulia are definitely not gay – definitely – so I think it’s OK guys!

Unfortunately, we won’t get to see any of the hilarity of the Winter Olympics Opening Ceremony in Sochi as it will not be televised internationally, remaining a state secret in true Russian style. The whole thing is perpetual eye-roll worthy, so let’s just enjoy this stunning piece of musical genius and imagine the performance of a lifetime that will surely ensue.